In case you missed it, earlier this week I shared a very personal video about my journey with anxiety. I’ve been writing for years, but sharing my story, to that extent and in video format, scared me more than I can put into words. I shot the video in one take, partially because I was sweating bullets during the entire thing, but also because I didn’t want to overthink it.
I had serious doubts about posting it, sadly because I was worried about negative feedback, or even no feedback at all. I showed the clip to my sister and my community group. Each of them reminded me that sharing my story is the entire reason I started Balanced Chaos in the first place, and if someone criticized me, it doesn’t matter. I probably watched it 5 more times before making the decision that it was simply too vulnerable to share with the world.
Then I went to bed. It never fails, once my eyes are closed, my minds does 10x the amount of thinking than normal. All at once, it hit me. I was being insanely prideful and absolutely not living up to the standard God set for me, living out His work. I knew, at 11:36 pm that evening, I had to post that video; even if it was intended for just ONE person – that one person was enough. So, I did.
The next morning, I prayed, remembering my sister’s words of encouragement, “It’s going to be scary and the enemy knows you’re scared. He also knows this is something you’re doing for God, so be prepared for an attack, big or small.” Well, Jen was right – there was one small moment that morning which almost derailed my emotions, but I kept the course, remembering that I simply don’t have time for petty people when there is a much bigger picture to focus on.
What happened next utterly blew me away.
My phone never quit ringing, notifying me, etc. I was eventually forced to put it on airplane mode because I was at the hospital working, but when I got home, I found tears streaming down my face as I read message after message from all of YOU around the video. YOUR stories. YOUR fears. YOUR questions. YOUR calls. YOUR willingness to open up to me. YOUR encouragement. I’m still speechless, in the best way one can be. Truly.
I counted it up. In one day, there were over 1,200 views of the post itself through Balanced Chaos and over 400 views on YouTube. I received countless comments, and 62 personal messages via social media; ranging from total strangers to people I’ve known for 20+ years. With one friend in particular, I ended up asking her for advice. I became friends with her in college and had no idea she was suffering at the time. She now has 2 beautiful babies and I had many questions around what happens with anxiety during pregnancy. It was extremely therapeutic to talk with someone I have always respected, not to mention thought was literally perfect. Another mutual friend asked if she could start helping me with photography, saying that she wanted to give back to a good cause. She’s talented beyond measure, so God was really showing off with that move. A big thank you again to this special lady.
Do you see how we can help each other when we’re transparent? You helped me, just as much as some of you believe I helped you. I can’t thank you enough for your bravery and feedback. I will continue to post videos, as many of you commented that, given the subject, videos helped bring life to Balanced Chaos. My passion will always be writing, but hopefully I will get past the nerves that come along with filming. I promise to mix it up as often as I can.
Thank you again for your support. God showed me, as He has many times, that His plan always exceeds our wildest expectations. We simply have to push past the fear of the unknown.